I’ve been concentrating on relaxing lately. Getting back to my old habits of tuning out, wasting time and just resting. Before this blog, before getting back into my art. Just a nihilistic defeatism without hope, without dreams, without pain (or as close as I could get to it). I would often play the game of thinking about being homeless. Wondering what it would be like to not have a job, not have bills to pay, not have any “social responsibilities” or whatever you call them. Just existing as a non-entity, a virtual zombie as it were.
As a teenager, during my first of two senior years in high school I would often skip school to go down to the local creek and lay out on this big flat rock in the middle of the stream and just close my eyes and listen to the water flowing around me. I miss that rock, that sound, that simplicity. The freedom to just let everything fall apart. Nowadays, I still hear water but I’m in a row boat with a slow leak. If I stop rowing, if I stop bailing things get out of hand pretty quickly. I still have the impulse to just chuck it all though.
Perhaps that’s what this abstract monster of blood geysers is all about. Just a little wish fulfillment or a graphic imagining of the violence and destruction that would result in my life if I just gave the fuck up.